Watching you sleep

I woke early this morning and lay there watching you sleep. You're so beautiful to me and I really could burst with love for you.

Positive thoughts we said, to concentrate on life and the things we can cram in. I want to stay positive, I really do but lying there watching you sleep, listening to you breathing and the trouble that simple act is causing you is breaking my heart.

The thought of you being in pain, the thought of you suffering and struggling for breath. I'm finding myself thinking about how the end will be and I'm scared it's going to come sooner than we hope.

I thought I'd come to terms with losing you, I thought I'd come to terms with you having cancer and now I have I have to come to terms with how hard it's going to be in the end.

Tears are falling, you wake and look at me. "Look at you, silly sausage" you say. I wipe the tears, paint on my smile but the thoughts are still there and I seem to be incapable of shaking them off today.

I wonder what you're thinking behind your smile and I wonder if this is a normal way to feel.