Living the Dream

I've been neglecting the blog a little, maybe that means we're coping better. I doubt it, I think it just means we have been coming to terms with things.

I still can't get over how brave you are, how accepting. I still feel so cheated and you do too, it's so difficult.

But I refuse to talk about you as if you are dying, I can't think of you that way when you are so very much alive and that's why it's time to start living the dream. That's why I haven't been writing, we've been having fun living.

A family holiday last weekend, making memories and doing things we've been putting off for various reasons. It was so great to see you smile and laugh, even though you found it tiring.

There will be time for tears.. Later. Now is not the time, now is the time for living, having fun and living like there's no tomorrow.

Is this a normal way to feel? I sure hope so!

Cottage Cheese

Yesterday was an awful day and I wondered how I was ever going to get through this and watch you go through the worse time of your life, at what would be the end of your life.

Today is different, your children came the other day, it was lovely to see the relationship you have with them. While I've been searching the net for new treatments and pioneering therapy your daughter has been looking up alternative treatments.

Flax seed oil and cottage cheese she said. I thought how can cottage cheese cure cancer and I must admit I dismissed her thoughts. Today I thought I would look for myself and found an interesting website.

I'm going to share it with you, in the thought that people in my position may be reading this page and taking as much comfort from my words as I am getting from typing them. Click here if you would like to read about the alternative therapy we are going to try, it's called the Budwig diet.

Will it work? I don't know, but it's not going to do any harm. They've already told us they are going to try chemotherapy to shrink the cancer and although we still believe this is still the best option, cottage cheese and flax seed oil is not going to hurt it is?

You? Today was a good day, the steroids they prescribed are kicking in and you're feeling well, the colour is back in your face and I walked in the room earlier and much to my dismay you were cleaning the windows.

I'm smiling, we've laughed. Is this a normal way to feel?

Watching you sleep

I woke early this morning and lay there watching you sleep. You're so beautiful to me and I really could burst with love for you.

Positive thoughts we said, to concentrate on life and the things we can cram in. I want to stay positive, I really do but lying there watching you sleep, listening to you breathing and the trouble that simple act is causing you is breaking my heart.

The thought of you being in pain, the thought of you suffering and struggling for breath. I'm finding myself thinking about how the end will be and I'm scared it's going to come sooner than we hope.

I thought I'd come to terms with losing you, I thought I'd come to terms with you having cancer and now I have I have to come to terms with how hard it's going to be in the end.

Tears are falling, you wake and look at me. "Look at you, silly sausage" you say. I wipe the tears, paint on my smile but the thoughts are still there and I seem to be incapable of shaking them off today.

I wonder what you're thinking behind your smile and I wonder if this is a normal way to feel.