I've been neglecting the blog a little, maybe that means we're coping better. I doubt it, I think it just means we have been coming to terms with things.
I still can't get over how brave you are, how accepting. I still feel so cheated and you do too, it's so difficult.
But I refuse to talk about you as if you are dying, I can't think of you that way when you are so very much alive and that's why it's time to start living the dream. That's why I haven't been writing, we've been having fun living.
A family holiday last weekend, making memories and doing things we've been putting off for various reasons. It was so great to see you smile and laugh, even though you found it tiring.
There will be time for tears.. Later. Now is not the time, now is the time for living, having fun and living like there's no tomorrow.
Is this a normal way to feel? I sure hope so!
Showing posts with label metastatic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label metastatic. Show all posts
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Friday, 18 September 2009
Palliative care
Palliative care, the words that blew my world apart. I was watching you and how brave you were, not a tear despite words such as inoperable and secondaries. I was determined to be as brave as you were and I was succeeding and then those words came. Palliative care.
I guess we were always hoping for the best while preparing for the worse but nothing prepared you or I for what they said.
You always had to be different, you couldn't have a normal tumour they could cut away, not you. You had to have a rare type of lung cancer in the lining of your lung. The most aggressive kind you can get and it's already spread to your kidneys and your adrenal glands.
You didn't want chemo so you asked the question we didn't want to know the answer to. How long without it? Four months she said, then your mask dropped, I saw you visibly recoil as if you had been slapped and it broke my heart.
In the quiet room the tears came, you're angry, I'm angry. Facing the darkest thoughts and trying not to give them words, as if putting them out there into the air will make them real.
Now it's time for living, not thinking about dying.
Is this a normal way to feel?
I guess we were always hoping for the best while preparing for the worse but nothing prepared you or I for what they said.
You always had to be different, you couldn't have a normal tumour they could cut away, not you. You had to have a rare type of lung cancer in the lining of your lung. The most aggressive kind you can get and it's already spread to your kidneys and your adrenal glands.
You didn't want chemo so you asked the question we didn't want to know the answer to. How long without it? Four months she said, then your mask dropped, I saw you visibly recoil as if you had been slapped and it broke my heart.
In the quiet room the tears came, you're angry, I'm angry. Facing the darkest thoughts and trying not to give them words, as if putting them out there into the air will make them real.
Now it's time for living, not thinking about dying.
Is this a normal way to feel?
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