Palliative care, the words that blew my world apart. I was watching you and how brave you were, not a tear despite words such as inoperable and secondaries. I was determined to be as brave as you were and I was succeeding and then those words came. Palliative care.
I guess we were always hoping for the best while preparing for the worse but nothing prepared you or I for what they said.
You always had to be different, you couldn't have a normal tumour they could cut away, not you. You had to have a rare type of lung cancer in the lining of your lung. The most aggressive kind you can get and it's already spread to your kidneys and your adrenal glands.
You didn't want chemo so you asked the question we didn't want to know the answer to. How long without it? Four months she said, then your mask dropped, I saw you visibly recoil as if you had been slapped and it broke my heart.
In the quiet room the tears came, you're angry, I'm angry. Facing the darkest thoughts and trying not to give them words, as if putting them out there into the air will make them real.
Now it's time for living, not thinking about dying.
Is this a normal way to feel?
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